Forgive. For your own sake!

Forgive, not as a charity to the one who harmed you. Forgive, for your own sake!! "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." So said Lord Budha, as quoted in a marvellous discussion initiated by Daniel Woo.
Of late, I am full of angst - bordering on hatred - against somebody. Find myself so obsessed with this that I am unable to do much else. I came across this discussion on forgiveness on LinkedIn which I found very helpful. Here’s Daniel Woo’s writing, titled, ‘ An Aspect of Forgiveness Related about HH The Dalai Lama’.

“ Earlier today my friend Tom called me. Tom and I share a liking for kirtan music, meditation and certain mystery authors.

More than six years ago, we were introduced to a woman who had just returned to Seattle from India after volunteering with Mother Theresa’s organization. Later while in Dharamsala, she had an interview with The Dalai Lama.

This is part of what she told us:

“I asked The Dalai Lama about forgiveness. I asked him what was I to do with someone who had truly abused me. The Dalai Lama moved his face inches from mine, squinted his eyes and in spacious silence, looked into my heart. After the passage of some indeterminate time, The Dalai Lama said that I must turn to my abuser and say ‘I forgive you’ and then turn around and run away as fast as I could.”

Forgiveness is not an invitation to be abused or to continue to be abused or to condone harming actions. Forgiveness is ultimately one of the steps to freedom and to live presently not snarled by the past. It is an opening of the heart and movement into the Heart.

As a very young deputy prosecuting attorney decades ago in King County, Washington, I handled cases involving horrendous crimes committed by adults or by juveniles. In the juvenile system, we also get reports on the family history and conditions of those charged. It was not hard to see the links in sexual or other violent abuse against juveniles and the charges against the juveniles for their own crimes.

Forgiveness is not the same as the accountability of the transgressor for his/her own actions and the fruits of such action. Often the two are confused.

Some Mohandas K. Gandhi quotes are relevant:

“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent. When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it – always. You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. You must be the change you want to see in the world.”

Nelson Mandela worked for reconciliation to end the cycles of violence. I his Address to the People of Cape Town on the Occasion of his Inauguration as State President [Grand Parade, Cape Town (May 9, 1994)], Mandela said:

“We place our vision of a new constitutional order for South Africa on the table not as conquerors, prescribing to the conquered. We speak as fellow citizens to heal the wounds of the past with the intent of constructing a new order based on justice for all.”
(http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/programs/truth/inauguration.shtml)

The Navajo approach justice as “peacemaking”:

“In 1982, the judges of the courts of the Navajo Nation consciously revived and institutionalized the traditional Navajo justice system, hozhooji naat'aanii (Bluehouse & Zion, 1993; Zion, 1985). It is called "peacemaking" in English. Peacemaking is an indigenous Native American form of dispute resolution and a leading example of restorative justice. Restorative justice, unlike adjudication and the prevailing patterns of world criminal justice systems, views crime and offending as a conflict between individuals that results in injuries to victims, with a process that seeks to reconcile parties and repair the injury caused by a dispute through the active participation of victims, offenders, and communities to find solutions to conflict (Hudson & Galaway, 1996).”
(http://www.iirp.org/library/nacc/nacc_zio.html)

Hatred is literally deadly for the person holding onto hatred. Medical, psychological, neuroscience and clinical research and literature describe this fact. Two excellent books that include such information are “Emotional Awareness – A Conversation between The Dalai Lama and Paul Eckman, Ph.D.” (2008) and “Deadly Emotions – Understand the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection that Can Heal or Destroy You,” by Dr. Don Colbert (2003).

Here are some excerpts from the Mayo Clinic about forgiveness (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131)

“Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. Forgiveness can lead to:

Healthier relationships
Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
Less stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse.”

Almost 2600 years ago, the Buddha said:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."